What do you do when you hate being a single mom? I’m not saying you hate your kids, but you hate your circumstances.
Before I had kids I never much thought about what the phrase ‘it takes a village’ means. I had friends, family, and a significant other so I figured this was my village.
Enter single motherhood and I completely agree with that statement. I would go so far as to say humans are not meant to raise children alone. There are obviously many women who choose to raise their kids alone and that’s great. But I’m talking about women who go into motherhood with the intent to raise kids with their significant other. When that is taken away from you it’s like your innermost village is gone.
Of course you have your family or friends but they’re most likely not with you every single day. The person who was supposed to be there for all the moments good and bad, isn’t there anymore.
When you’re suddenly raising children alone it makes you question everything. Maybe you shouldn’t have become a mother? Are you a bad mother? Does anyone else feel this guilt or resentment??
Taking on the sole responsibility of children is the absolute hardest thing you could ever do. It pushes you to brinks you didn’t know existed within yourself. You can get so wrapped up in the little world within your house, that you don’t know much else that’s going on with anyone else.
Your days become so rote that you often forget what day it is and it can feel like groundhogs day but at the same time, time passes so quickly it makes your head spin.
A part of you may want your ex (or a partner) there because even though you get all the love and you get to raise them into good humans and you get all the proud moments of teaching them new things, you also get all the tantrums, diaper changes, potty training and accidents.
You get all the illnesses and sleepless nights too. Sometimes you may not even want to be smothered in all the love because you’re human and you want 10 freakin minutes to yourself. You want to not be touched or hear “MOMMY” every two seconds.
You’d like to know what it’s like to take a shower without wondering if you’re hearing phantom crying or real crying.
You’d like to know what it’s like to sit down and eat a meal from start to finish without having to get up 8 times to get water, napkins, food that fell, utensils that fell, cups that fell, refilling the water, getting more food…
You want to know what it’s like to go to bed and sleep soundly because you’re so vigilant to every unknown noise in the night. There are nights where you want nothing else but to close your eyes and pass out because your day has been so strenuous or you’re running on empty. But you can’t because one or more of your kids needs something from you, or they’re sick, or they can’t sleep, and it takes everything in you not to lose your shit.
You wonder what it’s like for your friends who have partners who come home every night and help out with dinner, baths, and bedtime routine. You fantasize about having family time every weekend like your friends and their families do. What it must be like to have someone to give you a break. You may get jealous…and then you feel guilty for feeling jealous.
Packing up your kids and taking them to the store or on trips may have given ‘relationship you’ anxiety because it’s just so much easier to leave them with your partner. But ‘single you’? You can do this without batting an eye. Yet still there’s a part of you that wonders what it would be like if you could run errands without having to pack your kids up every single time!
You wish you could put your kids in more activities so they can be with other kids or do activities they enjoy but because your budget is so tight you can’t. Then you feel guilty because you wonder if your kids are getting enough enrichment. Because they can’t possibly be learning that much when you’re split in so many directions that you can’t give them the focus you feel they deserve.
You are so stressed out about finances, household stuff, kid stuff, pet stuff, your kid’s school stuff that this constant burnt out state is normal for you. You’re on edge more and you end up yelling more often than you’d like. Or feeling bad because you don’t want to play every game or do every craft with your kids.
This makes you question all the time if you would be a better mother if you had a partner there. You think if only you had a few hours at night to pass the kids off to someone else you’d be more relaxed. Or if you had a partner that you could vent to or give you the ability to leave the house alone, you’d wouldn’t be so edgy.
The truth is you’ll never know what kind of mother you’d be if you had a partner there because all you have is yourself and your children. You’re your own microcosm.
This world brings you the highest of highs and lowest lows. But it’s you and you alone that makes this world spin for your babies.
As much as you rock single motherhood, sometimes it sucks. Many of your friends or family won’t understand the feelings you have. But I feel you. And you’re not alone.
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