Saying you’re sorry seems like it should be an easy skill to teach kids, but it can actually be pretty challenging.
For some kids they get the hang of it pretty quickly, but for others they’re really resistant.
One of my kids when they were very young would refuse to apologize unless the other person apologized, even if that person did nothing to apologize for.
I think in my kids mind, saying sorry was the same as saying they were wrong or that they did something on purpose. Maybe they felt embarrassed or ashamed that they were being called out for their behavior?
I’m not sure. All I know is trying to get them to learn that saying sorry is showing care for another person or that it’s trying to right a wrong was really tough.
Eventually we got there though and for those of you with kids who are especially resistant to saying sorry, keep reading for tips on how to get kids to say sorry and mean it!
Understanding the Importance of Saying Sorry
You may be wondering why should you teach your kids to say sorry?
Well, teaching your kids the importance of saying sorry plays a critical role in their emotional development and learning empathy.
This section will help you understand the significance of apologies in your child’s life and how you can shape their approach to apologizing.
Emotional Development and Empathy
When children learn to say sorry, they develop the ability to understand that their actions have consequences. Through apologizing, they begin to recognize mistakes they make, putting themselves in someone else’s shoes, and showing empathy.
This emotional growth strengthens their social and relationship skills, which helps them connect better with others.
It’s essential to encourage your kids to think about the hurt they may have caused when they’re apologizing, even when they do something by accident.
Apologizing just for the sake of apologizing doesn’t work. That’s just teaching your kid to say a word to avoid negative consequences.
Part of this process is helping your child develop genuine remorse for their actions.
For instance, instead of just saying “sorry for taking your toy,” teach them to say, “I’m sorry I took your toy; I know it made you feel sad.”
Related: How to handle a toddler who hits
The Role of Parents
As a parent, you’re the ones they see and spend the most time with in the first few years of their life, so they’re learning the most from you.
That means you have a huge influence on their ability to understand the importance of apologizing.
The best thing you can do is to be a role model. When you make a mistake, or if you yell, or if you hurt their feelings, apologize sincerely.
Studies have shown that children who see their parents apologizing are more likely to understand and value the act of saying sorry.
You want to make sure you’re not forcing your child to apologize, which can sometimes be harder than it sounds, (like if one of your kids has hurt their sibling and refuses to apologize while the other one is crying, that can be really challenging!).
But forcing your kid to say sorry when they don’t want to isn’t teaching them anything, and is just an insincere expression to avoid getting in trouble.
Instead, use that bad behavior as a teachable moment and guide your children through the process of apologizing.
To do this effectively, follow these steps:
- Acknowledge the mistake: Help them see where they went wrong.
- Recognize the feelings involved: Encourage them to be aware of the emotions they or others experienced.
- Offer a solution: Work together to prevent that issue from happening again.
Remember, your approach to teaching apologies significantly influences how meaningful and genuine your child’s “sorry” will be.
Use patience and understanding to foster an environment that promotes empathy and emotional growth.
Teaching Kids to Apologize
Age-Appropriate Techniques for Teaching Apologies
When teaching your child to apologize, consider their age to ensure the approach is developmentally appropriate.
For younger children, focus on using simple language that they can understand. For example, you can say “When you took his toy, he felt sad.” Or you could ask them how they would feel if someone took their toy.
Related: The Best Children’s Books To Teach Kids About Emotions
This helps them grasp the concept of empathy and understand how their actions affect others.
For older kids, you can have more in-depth conversations about emotions, like remorse, and the importance of taking responsibility for their actions.
Encourage them to think about why they’re apologizing and what they can do to make things better.
Asking them how they would feel in the other person’s shoes works here too.
This helps them build a deeper understanding of the importance of being genuine when they say sorry.
Another thing to consider is giving your child time to process their feelings and the other person’s feelings before they say sorry.
Naturally you want your kids to apologize immediately after they’ve hurt someone or made a mistake, but giving them time to work through their thoughts and feelings will ensure their apology is sincere.
Using Teachable Moments
When your child engages in hurtful behavior or becomes angry, use these teachable moments to demonstrate genuine apologies.
Show them how you express remorse and take responsibility for any negative actions.
Explain the consequences of their behavior, emphasizing the importance of listening to the other person. Learning to listen to others will help them build understanding and empathy.
Consider using scenarios to help your child practice apologizing. For example, role-playing situations where they might need to say sorry, and discussing the emotions involved.
This is something we do all the time. I’ll ask my kids how they would feel if someone did something hurtful to them, (excluded them, took something of theirs, physically hurt them, etc.) and then we talk about how they would want those situations solved. Then we tie that to how they can respond if they do something hurtful to someone else.
This practice can help them build the skills necessary for meaningful apologies in real-life situations.
Here are a few tips to help teach your child to genuinely apologize:
- Be an example: Exhibit the behavior you want them to learn by apologizing sincerely when you make a mistake or hurt someone’s feelings.
- Discuss emotions: Help them understand both their own emotions and the emotions of others, which fosters more empathy.
- Highlight the importance of amends: Encourage your child to make amends, such as offering to help or fix the situation, reinforcing the value of taking responsibility.
- Focus on sincerity: Remind your child that apologies should be genuine, not just to get out of trouble or because they’re told to do so.
Effective Apologies and Conflict Resolution
The Components of a Meaningful Apology
When teaching children how to apologize, it’s essential to help them understand what makes a meaningful apology.
A genuine apology goes beyond saying “I’m sorry.”
Help your child to acknowledge the hurt they caused, express remorse, and understand the consequences of their actions.
Encourage them to think about how their decisions impact others and their relationships, (for example, “your decision to lie means your teacher/friend/sibling is going to have a harder time trusting what you say in the future.”).
A great way to teach children to give heartfelt apologies is by using I-statements when they’re involved in conflicts.
These statements show your kids how to take accountability for their actions and feelings without placing blame on others.
An example of an I-statement might be, “I’m sorry I called you dumb. I know I hurt your feelings. I’ll try harder to express my thoughts differently next time.”
Related: 6 tips to end sibling rivalry
Instilling the Value of Forgiveness and Reconciliation
Forgiving and reconciling with others after conflicts or mistakes is a crucial life skill that can positively influence your child’s relationships.
Experts suggest focusing on the process rather than the outcome when teaching your kids about forgiveness.
When your child has made a mistake, they may have an outburst of emotion. By allowing your child to work through their big feelings and emotions, you’re showing them the power of forgiveness and that having big emotions is normal and they can be worked through.
This sets a strong foundation for healthy future relationships!
When your child makes a mistake or causes harm, view it as a teachable moment to discuss the importance of saying sorry and seeking forgiveness from others.
As I talked about earlier, you can also model healthy conflict resolution by apologizing to your child when you make a mistake.
In some cases, when a spoken apology doesn’t seem sufficient, it might be helpful for your child to write a letter or give a hug, (never force your kid to hug someone, but you can explain that a hug can show that you want the other person to feel better and leave that choice up to your child).
Help your child to recognize and learn from their mistakes, without shame or fear, and you’ll be setting them up for a lifetime of strong, healthy relationships.
Adapting Apologies
Apologizing to Peers and Siblings
When teaching kids to apologize, it’s important to help them understand how to say sorry in various social situations.
For apologizing to peers and siblings, encourage them to think about the hurt feelings they may have caused, and discuss how they can make repairs.
To guide your child in developing a sincere apology, consider these steps:
- Empathy: Help your child take the other person’s perspective into account.
- Acknowledgment: Teach your child to acknowledge the wrong-doing and the impact it had on the other person.
- Offering Solutions: Encourage your child to come up with ways to make amends for their actions.
- Commitment to Change: Emphasize the importance of learning from mistakes and making positive changes in the future.
These steps help your child understand the concept of conflict resolution and become better equipped to handle various social situations.
Addressing Larger Mistakes and Consequences
In situations where the mistake has larger consequences or has affected multiple people, the process of apologizing might involve more time and effort.
For example if their behavior in school led to their classmates missing part of recess, or they cheated on a test and their teacher caught them, or if they took something that didn’t belong to them, etc.
These kinds of situations may need more than one kind of apology, (like verbal and written, or volunteer work and a verbal conversation).
The steps for teaching kids to apologize in these situations are pretty much the same:
- Taking Responsibility: Make sure your child understands the full extent of the consequences of their actions and accepts responsibility.
- Communication: Help your child communicate their apology effectively, whether it’s through a verbal conversation, letter, community work, or multiple methods.
- Repairing: Encourage your child to work on fixing the problems they’ve caused and making amends to people who were affected.
- Implementing Changes: Reinforce the importance of positive changes to prevent a similar situation from happening in the future.
By understanding how to adapt apologies based on different social situations your kids will have a better understanding for how and when to apologize.
Final thoughts
Getting your kid to say they’re sorry, and mean it, is a process that takes time. You want to start when your child is young by modeling how to apologize and help them understand their emotions and the other person’s emotions.
Learning how to apologize teaches them empathy and the importance of taking responsibility. With patience, love, and support, your child will learn valuable life skills and feel more connected to others through their ability to offer heartfelt apologies and make amends.
